Narnia Review

Warning - there will be spoilers!

Talking about the 2005 movie The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe. And this movie... uhm... is kinda silly, in my opinion. I only saw it once when it was released, and didn't remember that much from it. But I found the 2-disc collector thingie really cheap now, and bought it to watch it again.

The movie's opening shows us some WWII fighter jets... uhm, what? We open up a child-friendly enchanting nice fantasy film for the family with fighter jets from World War II? Seriously - I got confused watching this. Do we see anyone or anything of importance there? Not what we are told, no. Maybe their dad is one of the pilots, but... never addressed. And the scene takes several minutes before we get to see the main characters. I was sitting there and wondering if I had the wrong disc, and this was a World War II movie. Because when I think Narnia, I think... *sighs* fighter jets... seriously, this is the worst movie opening EVER, given the context.
So, we see our four main kids. Peter and Lucy are actually pretty nice and charming characters. Peter is the oldest of the kids who tries to be the responsible one and looking after his other siblings, trying to do his best even if he has his flaws. Lucy is the sweet youngest kid who loves to have fun and is curious and has a big heart and is fragile. I think both of them have good kid actors which helps a lot, so... kudos to that, seriously.
And then we got Edmund and Susan... I hate them both. Edmund is the second youngest, and the whining lying "no-one-understands-me" prick who really has no reason to act the way he does from what we see in the movie... oh, and his eyebrows are permanently looking angry. Susan is the second oldest... and a whining bitch, complaining and criticising everything, and constantly seems to want the movie to be ruined and wants to do the boring things. They are just obnoxious, and you have never a single reason to remotely like these two.

Anyway, they come to this big house with a mean hag who tells the kids to not disturb the professor. And then after a while, the kids decide to play hide-and-seek. And Lucy goes into a room where she sees a wardrobe covered over with a sheet. She looks amazed by it and walks slowly towards it. Why is she amazed by it? Uhm... I don't know? Maybe she hasn't seen a wardrobe before? You would think she would try to get into it quickly to hide, but... nope. The movie tries to be forcefully wimsy about her discovering the wardrobe. Obviously, this is contrived and cheesy to the audience, but... no one seemed to tell the director that.
She gets in there and comes to Narnia behind it, snowy and everything. Oh, and she wears her nightgown only... outdoors in the cold snow. Does she seem to freeze at all? Nope. Not even remotely affected by it. So, then she sees Mr Tumnus, a faun. He's played by James McAvoy, who plays Charles Xavier in X-Men: First Class. And honestly, he is the best actor in the entire movie to me. His performance is simply amazing, playing this humble sweet faun. He's being this scared guy who hides the fact that the evil white witch wants him to kidnap her for her, and he plays it VERY natural and subtle. This could have easily been annoying and overplayed and stupid... especially since it's a kid's movie. But luckily, that's not the case, and he is a very charming character. I enjoy every second of him, and wish there was more of him.
So, Tumnus asks her if she is a daughter of Eve, and that's the same as asking if she is a human. So... they say "daughter of Eve" to girls, "son of Adam" to guys... wow, this is just stupid. First of all, why would they believe in Christianity in Narnia? It's already it's own belief and religion, damnit. Second... why must it be Eve with daughters, and Adam with sons? Eve can't have sons, and Adam can't have daughters? Does this mean Adam and Eve got birth to their kids the virgin way? So, uhm... I guess then in that case all males came out of Adam's anus? No, seriously - this is just downright stupid to say in so many ways.
(Disclaimer: I know Narnia is about Christian overtones and that there are explanations why Adam have sons and Eve has daughters... really stupid explanation, but still.)

So, we get to know about the evil witch there who turns everything cold and snowy, because that's somehow the same as being evil (makes total sense), and Lucy is told she must get home again right away. This and that happens, and then Lucy sneaks back and Edmund follows after her without her knowing. But this time, we follow Edmund exclusively, as he gets to see the White Witch. She tricks him into trusting him with Turkish Delight and the promise that he will one day become a King despite the Witch only just now meeting him and offering it randomly, and his siblings will be his servants, and all he has to do is to get them all to her. Oh my god, what a moron... heck - when he asks for more of the Turkish Delight, she shouts out "NO!". Why does villains almost always have problems with their god damn temper, seriously? You're ruining your cover, you dumb bitch. Buuuut Edmund falls for it either way. Why? Because he is really stupid, because... the plot says so. Oh, did I also mention her dwarf servant almost kills him for no proper reason the first thing that happens? Yeah - he literally has NO reason at all to trust this obviously evil Witch.
Also, kinda pissed off we didn't see what Lucy talked about with Mr Tumnus, as she tells she went to visit him as she sees Edmund.... RIGHT AFTER THE WITCH DISAPPEARS!!! Wow... how effing convenient. Come to think of it - why the heck did the White Witch go over there in the first place? Is she just that bored or something? Just that it's so far away from her castle as we later gets to know... not really learning anything about her random appearance there.
So Edmund lies and says nothing about what happened, and they return to the normal world. Lucy tells the two older siblings about it, and Edmund tells she is just making it up. I have to ask why the hell he does this... especially since he promised the Witch to get them to her? Really - he only does it to be a douche out of nowhere? Uhm... hello? This makes no sense! Give us some damn context, and don't just give us pointless minor conflicts like this. All it does is to make poor Lucy cry, and I feel really sorry for her. Contrived drama, much?

Anyway, they stumble upon the professor, who turns out to be no other professor than... Horace Slughorn! So, THIS is what he was doing before Harry Potter 6? Go figure. Joking aside, it's the same actor... just seems like a funny coincidence he plays an old friendly professor in two famous fantasy franchises. But I don't complain, he's a charming actor.
He encourages the kids to believe their youngest sister. Do they take his advice? Uhm... no, not really. Basically, what he says does nothing... other than saying he seems to know something about Narnia, which we never fully understands why in the movie. So then the 4 kids play baseball outdoors, and it accidentally smashes through a window. They panic, and decide to hide away in the wardrobe. So then they all fall through into Narnia and sees it, and they get mad at Edmund for saying Lucy was lying. And Edmund responds with "You didn't believe her either!".... smooth, Edmund. Very smooth. Tell me again what there is to like about this character? I also love the fact that the one of the kids who turns out to be the "Judas" of the group is the one with permanently angry eyebrows. Not very subtle, is it?
So, they get to know our beloved Mr Tumnus is kidnapped by the Witch, and they wonder what to do. Then a beaver arrives, and he takes them home to his place and his wife. They there explain about how these 4 kids are the chosen ones from a prophecy, and Aslan will return, and the White Witch wants to kill the kids to stop the prophecy from happening. Why are there 4 human kids in the prophecy, and how can they specifically be the proper ones to help and save them from the Witch? Prepare to be disappointed, because the movie NEVER gives a proper answer to this. I will say right away - Aslan kills the fucking Witch. He could have killed her without their help - they are just there so they can pretend to be important, when they really are just along for the ride.

So, Edmund sneaks to the Witch and gets imprisoned by her and she forces him to tell where the others are... and all he whines about is his Turkish Delight. Jeez, kid... get a life - you betray your siblings for Turkish Delight, for crying out loud! We are told later on that Edmund supposedly is neglected and driven too hard by his oldest brother and shit... but that's nothing we learn in the movie - we have to take Peter's words for it. Hey, movie? SHOW, don't tell!!!
We see the wolves with their leader who's name escapes me and anyone else who hasn't read the books or watched the old TV-series since they suck at introducing him properly in this movie, and they attack the beaver house as the three other kids with the beaver couple escapes to a badger... and yes, I'm sure he has mushrooms, and that you can see a snake. Moving on.
They see the badger has turned to stone, and some other random critters we will never get to know. Oh, and also kinda bugs me we NEVER get to see that badger again. We only see him as a stone figure. It bothers me, since Mr Beaver talks a LOT about him. But anyway, we then see a fox who they first think they can not trust, but he says he's on their side, and that they shouldn't distrust him for being "related" to the wolves. Uhm... foxes aren't related to wolves actually - that's disproven. Anyway, the wolves appear as the kids and beavers hide, and the fox tricks the wolves the kids went north. They then keep on escaping... and they think the Witch is chasing them, and then it turns out it's Santa. Uhm... and I never got this. Having Santa Claus in this movie is just so out of place. Even worse - HE GIVES THEM LETHAL WEAPONS TO KILL WITH!!! Oh my god... Santa is encouraging kids to use weapons to kill others? This is just wrong. "Ho ho ho - remember, kids - aim for their weak spots! ".... just wow.

So the ice is cracking and the snow is slowly melting, and they try at this exact point of the movie to cross a waterfall where the ice is still barely left. Lucky lucky. And as they cross there, the wolves arrive. And then they escape by floating away on a ice platform, and we get a brief quick fake disappearing of Lucy for no other reason than pointless blatant tension no one cares about.
This and that happens, and they get to where Aslan is, with tents and other animals who all talk and stuff... hooray. XP Then the wolves appear again, and Peter and the leader wolf (Peter and the Wolf reference, maybe? ) faces off against each other. But then Aslan and others arrive... and Aslan tells everyone to stay back, because this is Peter's fight. Why is it Peter's fight? Because... Aslan says so. Yeah, really... there's no real explanation for this. So... Peter holds out his sword pointing at the wolf, and the wolf is stupid enough to actually jump right at it and get pierced by it, instantly dying. And Aslan makes Peter into a knight for this... for basically no other reason than holding up his sword. Uhm... yeah, that's a true knight for ya. No combat training whatsoever - just this.
Then they help Edmund escape, he returns, and Aslan talks to him, then tells the rest they don't need to talk about anything with it with him, because what's done is done. But then the White Witch appears and tells Aslan Edmund must be sacrificed because he's a traitor. But then Aslan tells the Witch to go into his tent with him alone. Hmm... a human goes alone into a tent out on a green field with a lion to discuss something in private while the other main characters wait and hope for the best? This sounds a lot like Bedknobs and Broomsticks, doesn't it? Buuuut the Narnia books came out first, so... Either way, they then come out with an agreement, and Edmund is safe. Oh, great... I was SO worried he would die. Totally a loss.

Aslan then walks away alone that night, and Lucy and Susan sees him and follows him. They then hide as Aslan walks the last bit by himself, and we see he took Edmund's place as the one to be sacrificed on the rock altair or what you call it. They shave off his mane and kills him. So, Lucy and Susan holds the dead Aslan and are sad, falling asleep on him... and at the same time, Peter and Edmund along with the rest prepares for war, knowing Aslan is dead thanks to the trees (trees talks in the movie... yeah, like in Lord of the Rings). So, the whole reason it was written that the two girls followed Aslan was because girls shouldn't go to war? Oh, gender equality... how overrated some think you are, huh?
So, as the war begins (pretty epic battle it leads to too, I have to say), Susan and Lucy decides to go away from the dead body. And RIGHT AT THAT EXACT PRECISE MOMENT, something happens. The corpse of Aslan disappears, and the altair is cracked. Then Aslan appears alive again with his mane back, saying the Witch forgot one thing in the sacrificing thing - that if someone takes the traitor's place, they shall be resurrected.
... oh god... this is the dumbest thing in the whole movie. Let's ignore the fact that they make a reference to Jesus returning from the dead - that's not what bothers me here. No, I will take my time to thoroughly say the three main reasons why this is really stupid to me, this scene.

First of all... how could the Witch forget that part?! Did she just read a part of it? Witch: "Let's see... it says that if someone else takes the traitor's place... wait, does that mean the traitor can be replaced?! AHA!!! I will make Aslan do that! I am so evil, muahahaaa!!!" Dwarf: "Uhm, my Queen... shouldn't you read the rest? Looks important what it says on the 'if' thing...?" Witch: "No - I don't need to read it all, because I am evil! MUUUAAAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!"
Second, why did Aslan get his mane back? It seems like a nitpick maybe, but... did it really say anything about that on the rock as well? "If your haircut is changed during the ritual, it will be reset once you're resurrected."?
Thirdly... are we supposed to buy Aslan did this unselfishly? He didn't! He didn't willingly sacrifice his own life for Edmund's wrongdoings. He KNEW he would be safe and return to life! Almost anyone could do that! Why is this even a part of the rules, that you can do this? Lucky not everyone knows this, or it would have been really damn easy to use this humongous hole in the whole "sacrificing a traitor"-bullcrap!

So yeah, then they just all fight, and Aslan bites the Witch's head off, and the four kids becomes Kings and Queens... and of course, the girls get girly cutsie crowns looking more like tiaras than proper crowns, and the boys gets some nice actual crowns. Classy. And then years go by, and they one day by chance rides to the place where the wardrobe is, and gets deja vu... wait, so they forgot? Why did they forget about where they came from? Is Narnia like Neverland - it makes you forget? Never explained. So, they go through the wardrobe again, and fall out as kids... and we see the professor, and they are about to tell about what happened in there, him being very intrigued. Oh, and the kids seems to take all this very well... makes no sense, but okay.
So what did we see in this movie? Well... the most pointless none-working prophecy I have ever seen. The kids are just in Narnia because. So many dumb things are left unexplained... like, why does time stop in our world when you go into Narnia? Wouldn't that mean time should stop in Narnia when you get out of there? Time goes by in Narnia as usual the same way it goes by here as we understand... though, they explain entirely different things about that in the second movie. Also, the movie feels like it's trying too hard to be the third thing after Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter. But this is not as good as those two other franchises' first movies. It just feels so bland and forgettable and like they didn't put much into it. Not even any memorable music in it. And the movie is 2 hours and 23 minutes long - but even with that, it actually feels too short, like there's so much more to it. Also, they tried to make it too grand and epic. Yes, even I who LOVES when movies are epic must admit that. The story feels like it should be calmer and more mysterious and taking it's time. But even if it had those things, C.S. Lewis' story is just simply too juvenile for me to enjoy. I thought I would enjoy it, but... it makes the first Harry Potter movie feel adult, dangit.

Did I hate it? Not really. It's fairly entertaining. Just that it made me feel a bit empty afterwards. But hell... the music is okay, most of the actors are doing their best and it shows and helps... even the CGI is really nice. Not fantastic - but a lot better than most. ESPECIALLY for a kid's film. I guess I just wish a story like this could have been more clever and more charming.
This just feels like a moneygrabbing blockbuster fantasy flick trying to follow the trend Lord of the Rings and Harry Potter started.

Rating: